The Art of Conscious Parenting

Nature has so decreed that when a sperm producing male and an ovum producing female come together in a physical sexual act, there are 50% chances of a new life being conceived. This biological process makes parents out of two adults who may or may not be ready for parenthood.

What does it take to be ready for parenthood? Is it enough to be married, be of a certain age, economically independent and physically healthy to become parents? Or is there something more to it?

More often than not, the most ignored factor remains the psychological readiness of the couple; which is the most important factor in parenting a child.

Parenting is the most pleasurable as well as the most challenging job we undertake as human beings, and yet there are no schools, colleges or universities that prepare us for this important assignment. Our parenting skills are learnt from our parents, friends, doctors, neighbours, self-help books and natural instincts. We learn on the job, fumbling and faltering along the way, creating doubts not just in our own minds but also in the minds of our young wards.

There is no doubt that all parents love their children and wish the very best for them. However, most parents remain unhappy or dissatisfied with the outcome of their efforts, which makes it painfully clear that something is lacking in the way we bring up our children; the future generation of this planet.

Choosing to become a parent

Before you decide to bring forth a child into this world, spend some time with the thought of becoming a parent. What do you think are the responsibilities and commitments of being a parent? How do you feel, when you think about these commitments? What emotions come up in you? What feelings come up when you think of your own parents? How do you feel about the parenting that you received? What is your relationship with your parents? What did you enjoy the most about being a child? What didn’t you enjoy about being a child? Do you enjoy spending time with children? What are your assumptions and attitudes about life with children? What ages of children are you most comfortable with? If you are not comfortable with a particular age group, think of your own childhood at that age. Perhaps there is something which needs to be resolved there. What are your fears? How do you cope with stress? Answer these questions truthfully.

Now spend some time with the thought of life without your own children. How does this thought make you feel? Be honest with your feelings and make your decision based upon them. Don’t bring in your logical mind; just listen to your feelings.

Don’t get coerced into parenthood by societal or marital pressures. Parenting isn’t for everyone, so don’t feel guilty if you choose not to become one. Becoming parents and then regretting the decision does great harm, not only to yourself but also to your children. This is one decision you can’t backtrack from; so make the right decision after giving it a due thought. Remember, the child doesn’t ask to be brought into this world. It is your decision.

Responsibility of being a parent

‘Let’s have a baby’, is one statement that changes lives forever. It is one of those huge decisions that changes everything we have hitherto known.

Most people get married whether by choice or by parental decree and get officially ready to start a family by producing children. But more often than not, the most ignored factor remains the psychological readiness of the couple. In fact, it is the most important factor in determining one’s readiness to take on the major responsibility of parenting a child.

Parenting involves the future of our future generations. That is why having children is not just a hobby and should not remain a mere accident. Becoming parents involves a major change in lifestyle and we must be absolutely ready for it.

Our society romanticizes the images of parenthood so much that we set very high expectations from it. It is true that parenting is a lot of fun but it is also a lot of hard work; more work than we can imagine until we become parents ourselves.

Parenting is a lifelong project and if we are not truly prepared for it, it can give us more headaches than joy. Besides the demand on our time, energy, emotions and resources, parenting brings up our own emotional issues squarely in our face, as children end up pushing all our emotional buttons. The mistakes we make as parents affect the ones we love the most; our children.

Most of us have been brought up to expect that one day we will become parents but no one has ever told us how important it is to heal ourselves before bringing in a new life. Unless we heal our own inner wounds, we are not ready to bring forward any children. Before we parent new children, we must parent the child within; because unless we do that, we’ll end up passing on our own insecurities, fears and complexities to our children.

Since parenting is a joint venture, both the partners must be in complete agreement to shoulder this onerous responsibility with joy and honor.

Understanding a Child's World

Officially any human being less than 18 years old is termed as a child. Attitudes towards children differ across various cultures and families; some cultures and families being more children centric than others. However, most children have fewer rights than adults, as they are not considered mature enough to make serious decisions. They stay under the care of responsible adults in almost all societies.

Children that come through us

When we look deeply into the eyes of little children we see the light, because each child comes with a remembrance of light. Little babies are wondrous angels in disguise, who come to us because we have consciously or unconsciously asked them to become our companions.

Children see simplicity, spontaneity, and ‘now’ moments in the world while we adults see complexities. Their innermost desire is to be loved, which comes forth as a desire to please. They love harmony, but they also desire discipline, order and consistent structure, as long as the structure allows for open communication and family discussions.

When parents set up a family structure with vision, clarity, consistency and love, honoring the highest self in their children, the children easily accommodate the family’s vision and rise up to meet it. Even when they push the boundary, it is only to see what lies beyond it. After all children discover who they are through experimentation!

Contrary to popular belief, young children experience the entire range of emotions that the adults do; such as love, sorrow, doubt, jealousy, envy, anger and judgment. They too wonder if they are good enough. But when we encourage our children to claim their power and take stock of who they are, without comparing their qualities with other children’s qualities, they bring out their true fragrance.

Children have more to teach us than we have to teach them. That is why Jesus Christ had said, “Unless you be converted and become like little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.”

Innate qualities of a child

• Children are innately kind, caring and compassionate.
• They are delightful to have around.
• They are usually spontaneous and live in the present moment.
• They are innocent.
• They exhibit simplicity and absence of duplicity.
• There is no labored refinement, affectation, or sophistication in them.
• They say what they think and express what they desire.
• They do not fear what people will say.
• They show themselves as they are; without any masks.
• They are conscious of their weakness and this awareness brings about humility in them.
• They depend completely on their parents in full faith that their needs will be provided.
• They believe whatever their parents tell them.
• They are like a sponge which soaks up everything.
• They love their parents completely.
• They don’t have a care in the world.
• They live in a make believe world.
• They laugh easily.
• They have tremendous energy.
• They see everything around them with wonder.
• They don’t feel embarrassed of their ignorance.
• They are fearless.
• They ask non-stop questions.
• They invigorate, stimulate and enliven the atmosphere around them.
• They are go getters.
• They are eager to live life.
• They enjoy everything.
• They are visionaries who trust in their imagination.
• They believe that they can achieve anything.
• They enjoy trying new things.
• They take risks.
• They always see possibilities.
• They are very creative.
• They are innovative and curious.
• They are able to play without a worry in their mind.
• They have no concerns about money.
• There are no limits to their imagination.
• They play and lose themselves in play.
• They have no concept of time.
• They create with abandon.
• They believe that they are perfect.
• They squeal in delight without caring who might be watching.
• They can play by themselves.
• They love playing pretend games.
• They explore everything with a beginner’s mind.
• They don’t think about what happened yesterday and what may happen tomorrow.
• They see the world as a wondrous place and a source of immense fascination.
• They are natural artists.
• They have a sense of adventure.
• They have full confidence and trust in their parents.
• They see things from a fresh perspective.
• They have limitless imagination.
• They have an ability to learn new things quickly.
• They are flexible in thought and approach.
• They are born explorers.
• They are not afraid of their ignorance.
• They are free spirits.
• They mean what they say and say what they mean.
• They are open and honest about their feelings.
• They don’t take no for an answer.
• They are tenacious and don’t give up easily.
• They are naturally optimistic.
• They do what catches their fancy.
• They do things from different perspectives e.g. in role-playing.
• They can say outrageous things with zero inhibitions.
• They are open to failure.
• There are no restrictions to their thinking in terms of time and resources.
• They are receptive to new ideas.
• They are open- minded.
• They possess the ability to let go.
• They are vulnerable.
• They are joyful.

Expectations from a child

In this material world we have a great many expectations from our children, most of which are related to issues of obedience, etiquette, social conduct, language, and general behavior. These expectations can be quite unrealistic; especially because we ourselves do not exhibit these qualities at all times. Some of these expectations are:

• Ideal children must set a good example for others.
• They must become a role model for the younger siblings.
• They must always listen to their parents, teachers, and other elders.
• They must study hard and excel at school.
• They must always be polite.
• They should not be selfish.
• They should not tell a lie.
• They shouldn’t talk back to people older than them.
• They should be the apple of everyone’s eyes.
• They should be all rounder, do well in sports, perform on the stage and excel in co-curricular activities.
• They should fulfill those dreams that parents couldn’t achieve.
• They should be the best they can be and achieve things that parents couldn’t.
• They should fill the needs rooted in the parents’ subconscious.

Expectations of a child

Just as parents expect some things from their children, children too have expectations from their parents. But unfortunately expectations from both sides are not met with. Some of these expectations are:-

• Children long for love, care and understanding.
• Children look for examples and role-models to follow.
• Children expect the parents to love each other.
• Children look for harmony at home.
• Children expect unconditional acceptance of who they are.
• Children expect acceptance of their emotions.
• Children expect to be trusted.

A symbiotic relationship

Even though parents and children inhabit different worlds under the same roof, both live part of their karma through each other; hence their growth and evolution is co-dependent in many ways. Though the parents think they are just helping their children to be more happy and successful, in truth parents cannot really separate themselves from their children. They are bonded for life. Hence, it is a sacred relationship which must be honored.

Readiness to become a parent

Difference between human and animal parents

Parenting is just a biological task for non-human species; hence it lasts for a short time and is less complicated. Mammals tend to nurture their young ones more than non-mammals do, but the number of offspring an average adult mammal produces doesn’t allow for too much attention to be bestowed upon them.

Humans, on the other hand, have to provide for their children’s physical needs, protect them from harm’s way, impart skills and values and help them stand on their own two feet. It is a lifelong responsibility for human parents.


Readiness to become a parent

Consider yourself ready to become a parent if you are:

• Ready to provide resources such as money, food, clothing, shelter, and time; all basic but important needs.
• Ready to nurture and support the child by providing comfort, warmth, love, acceptance, focused attention and re-assurance.
• Ready to promote and support the child’s physical, emotional, educational, social and aspirational development from infancy to adulthood.
• Ready to provide a stable home and responsible role models.

Becoming a good parent

Every person can become a great parent provided s/he is willing, open and ready to be one. Good parents need great strength to guide their children well. They need to provide certain structure, order, and discipline in which the children can grow optimally. They should not constrict their children but maintain a certain expectation of mutual harmony and respect.

Three most important requirements of a good parent are:
• Know yourself well.
• Know your partner well.
• Be absolutely sure that you want to become a parent.

A happy loving marital relationship

One of the best gifts you can give to your children is a happy loving marriage, as your relationship with your partner remains the foundation on which your family will grow. Before becoming a parent take a good look at your relationship and see it as it will be seen by your children. Notice how you and your partner relate to each other. Do you raise your voice when you disagree? Do you sulk when you don’t get what you want? Be truthful with your answers and learn more harmonious ways of communicating and strengthening your partnership before you start a family.

Remember, a harmonious home is the first requirement of a child.

Maintaining a stress-free environment is imperative not just for a child’s wellbeing but also for a healthy and loving family bonding. So identify your stressors and try to resolve them before you decide to have a child.

If the couple is unprepared for all the emotional, physical and social changes that a baby involves, their marital relationship might get derailed. On the other hand, if they adopt their attitudes towards each other while making ample space for the new baby and her demands, they will grow closer in marriage.

A harmonious lifestyle

It is important to take a good look at your lifestyle and be mindful of your choices regarding eating a healthy diet, maintaining a regular exercise regimen, refraining from drinking and smoking etc. Both the partners must support each other and make a shift in the lifestyle if needed. After all home is the first place where a child learns his/her habits from!

Career planning

Even though you don’t need to involve your larger family and your employer in your baby plans, it is advisable to keep them posted. This increases trust and transparency in your personal and professional relationships. It also helps when you require support from them. You can also think of taking a sabbatical or work from home options. After all a baby is a full time job. How successful you are juggling work and parenthood will depend upon the support at home and at work.

Choosing Love

When we choose to experience motherhood and fatherhood, essentially we are choosing to experience love. Little babies offer us a great opportunity to know, feel and extend love. They sandpaper all the rough spots on us and we do the same to them.