Should we set Boundaries for our Kids?

Our children are our future. They bring joy into our lives. We love our role as parents, but sometimes we wonder if we are going right with our style of parenting? Are we doing what should be done? Why is my child becoming disobedient? Why does she seek attention all the time? Why is he so unreasonable? Where are we going wrong?

There are no readymade answers to these thought provoking questions. The fact is that we all are amateur parents, learning on the job. We use instinctive parenting skills. We are also guided by our well meaning parents, relatives, friends and neighbors. We learn from their collective wisdom. We consult various books and web-sites on parenting. (Isn’t it surprising that we still go wrong?)

In our quest for being ideal parents (and making our children ideal kids), we forget that each child is an individual, and each household has different dynamics. Our parenting style needs to take all this into account. Seems like a Herculean task! Added to job and home responsibilities, it seems practically un-doable. But it need not be so. Let me show you how?

As parents, our primary job is to ‘love’ our children unconditionally. That is all that we need to ‘do’, rest falls into place automatically. When I say this to my clients, they react sharply, ‘Do you think we don’t love our children? They are very dear to us.’ I am sure you are saying exactly this. Well! I do not doubt that you love your children, but ‘they’ doubt your love when you attach conditions with it. When you say, ‘Why did you put your finger in your nose? Bad boy!’ Or ‘Look at Raja (or what ever be the name); he always comes first in the class. And look at you. Useless!’ How do you think your child feels? Loved??

That is why I ask you to give ‘unconditional’ love. Now you are indignant, ‘Won’t that spoil our children if we love them without correcting them? You don’t know my children.’ Yes, I agree. I do not know ‘your’ children, but I know that at a deep level, every one looks for love and approval, including you. Isn’t that right? And it is so because we were deprived unconditional love when we were children. Do we want our children to grow up with same inadequacies?

We don’t want to spoil them and we don’t want them to feel unloved. So, what do we do to achieve this balance? We handle this delicate task by setting boundaries for our kids.
The world can be an intimidating place for children, especially when they're just being exposed to life outside of their immediate loving family. They look to their parents, to guide them, to tell them what's OK and what is not.

In other words, they look to you to set rules for them to live their life by. When they're very young, their boundaries are determined by our concern for their safety; but as they grow older we need to take their expanding world into consideration.

Setting limits is one of the parenting skills that helps children to grow mentally healthy and socially responsible, and prevents deviant behaviors.

Many parents find it difficult to set boundaries for their kids because they don't want to upset their kids. They are more concerned about their children liking them than doing what is right for their kids.

In my experience, if you neglect to set firm boundaries for your children, they are most likely to keep pushing the limits of your patience. While this can get frustrating (for both parties), it also puts the child in a dangerous position of "testing the waters" (drugs, alcohol, sex etc.)

Children need to learn the rules of life so that they can deal with life more effectively. The idea of setting limits for your children is to love and protect them, not control them. With that perspective in mind, here is what you need to know to set and keep proper limits for your children:

Consider the child's age and development. Boundaries for young kids should be safety-oriented, while those for older kids need to give them opportunities to make mature decisions.

Review your child's boundaries regularly. As your child gets older, expand the existing boundaries and introduce new ones as needed (for example, their getting home time may be set for an hour later).

Explain the limits to your children. Don't just assume that they know what they are supposed to do or not to do. Sit down with them and explain the limits very simply but firmly.

Explain the consequences of breaking the boundaries. It's essential that there are consequences for going beyond their set boundaries. Tell your child what these consequences are before hand (for instance, five minutes facing the wall for a young child, or taking away TV viewing privileges from an older child).

Enforce the limits consistently. If your child breaks the rules, you must follow up with the consequence, each and every time.

If you have a hard time saying no to your child because you're afraid he or she won't like it, you need to let go of the feeling of ‘wanting love’ from your children and focus instead on ‘loving them’ and doing what is best for them.

Meanwhile, please ensure that setting boundaries should always leave room for your children to grow; spiritually, emotionally, physically and independently.

It is important for children to learn that there are boundaries; but as they get older they will need to make decisions for themselves, and sometimes it's OK to think outside the box. As parents we often have a hard time setting boundaries because we were taught too many of them - they were phrased as absolute musts by our parents (you must do this and must not do that etc.) we try to avoid making the same mistakes with our own children.

Yet, for most of us whatever we try NOT to do, we end up doing more of it. So it is important to release our fears about parenting so that we can take what we were taught to a new level and approach our children with ‘unconditional love’ and complete understanding.

Remember Kahlil Gibran’s famous poem in ‘The Prophet’

“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams!
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, not tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of infinite,
And He bends you with His might.
That His arrows may go swift and far!
Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So He loves also the bow that is stable.”

Let Each One Be!

How far can we go in pursuit of excellence?

Each one of us wants to excel in all our endeavors. A very noble thought indeed! We must excel, but is it possible to excel in everything that we do, in all spheres of activity, across the spectrum of life? Each one of us is a unique being, who has brought a unique gift to this world. We need to unwrap that gift and offer it for the evolution of our beautiful planet. In theory all of us agree with this view point. We are reasonable people after all. When it comes to success in our own lives and careers, (knowing fully well that we are no where near excelling in most areas), we stay ready with all kinds of explanations regarding why we are where we are and how we are. (Blame our parents, teachers, schools, colleges, system, environment, boss--- there are plenty of scapegoats!)

However, when it comes to our children, we are convinced that they are very bright but not striving hard enough to achieve their full potential. Their potential is defined by us as above 90% marks and a seat in some prestigious Engineering or Medical college. We are also very convinced that we cannot do much about our own careers now, so let us concentrate on our children’s careers. (We owe it to them!) We grin like Cheshire cats when our children prove themselves (with some help from us of course!) and bask in the reflected glory of our progeny’s success. (After all we gave birth to a genius!) We become the local celebrities in the eyes of parents who are still struggling with their child’s ‘potential’. We offer advice to all and sundry, becoming a know-all, done- that, been -there variety. Our life seems to be fulfilled. We can now sit back and relax. Our child has joined the rat race and all is well with the world.

How far can we go or should we go in making our children excel in these ‘competitive’ times? The other day I was shocked into numbness after reading the top story of the day in The Times of India. “Spooky Doc Couple Kills Son’ the headline screamed. What was more intriguing was the sub line ‘Believed blood transfusion could make their son brilliant.’ It got my goat. Who in their right minds would believe that? (I forgot that parents intent upon making their children excel are not always in their right minds.) And then these people were doctors. Doctors give life, not take lives, and that too under the influence of medical mis-information. Even an educated lay man knows that there is no connection whatsoever between a blood transfusion and transfer of intelligence. (If this were true, all 90 percenters could make a living by selling their blood drops at a premium!)

I read on, wondering what prompted this couple to believe in such a lie. The ‘bloody’ procedure was recommended by a ‘guru’ who appeared in the mother’s ‘dream’, if you please. (Mother- who is a professor in a prestigious medical college. I shudder to think, what kind of scientific temper does she inculcate in her students?) The enlightened couple was told that if they transfuse their younger (a 12 year old, high performer in academics) son’s blood into their elder son (an 18 year old, average student) he was sure to secure admission in a medical college. I am not too sure if the son wanted to get into the medical college in the first place. Did the parents even try to find out what the boy wanted? Is joining an MBBS course so important, that we are ready to make it a question of life and death? The younger son could have become a doctor, instead of becoming a corpse in the morgue. The elder son could have chosen some other profession, in keeping with his interests and capabilities, instead of becoming an accomplice in murder and being ruined for life. What did the parents get out of this? Loss, grief, shame and misery!

The news made me really sad, but I got thinking, what if by some queer fluke the experiment had succeeded? What would have this couple done then? Proudly recommend the procedure to many more parents like them! We can’t rule that out. If the experiment did not have such tragic consequences, they may have tried some more bizarre recommendations of their ‘guru’. Which century are we living in?

I sincerely hope that this tragedy infuses some sense into the parents of today. My sincere appeal to all parents is - please stop pressurizing your children. Please stop terrorizing your children. Please stop experimenting with your children. Your children are the future of this evolving, ever expanding Universe. Let them evolve. Let them expend. Leave them alone. Your children have a purpose to fulfill. They have their own dreams. Let them dream those dreams in peace. Let them choose their own path.

Remember Kahlil Gibran’s wise words,
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams!
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday.’