Conscious Parenting

It is the holiday season. The mall at Shimla is choc-o-bloc with merry makers. Children are an integral part of this group. Watching children of various shapes and sizes, behaving in various ways to demand attention and goodies from their parents throws up great insights into our evolving society.

Parenting is the most important role that we play in our lives. However, since most of us are amateur parents, we tend to follow the parenting style of our parents or our friends. Some of us do follow our own parenting instincts, but even these get conditioned by the norms of the society that we live in. In today’s world where both the parents pursue high pressure careers, the challenges of parenting become all the more critical. What should we do under these trying circumstances?

First of all we need to get some things clear in our heads when we become parents.

Our children come through us but they don’t belong to us.
Each child is different because he /she carries different predispositions (samskaras) from his /her past lives.
Being bigger in size, does not make us more important than the child.
The child is our equal in all respects, and deserves to be treated as such.
The belief, ‘I know what is best for you’ is fine when the child is young but not when s/he grows older.
Some things are ‘mistakes’ only from our perspective. Those ‘mistakes’ may be just the right lessons for our child.

With these basic facts ingrained in our psyche, we need to:

Avoid using silly words or childish sounds while speaking with our children.
Avoid talking down to them.
Love them unconditionally, look after their needs, prevent them from getting into dangerous situations, and tell them about some dos and don’ts.
Allow them to just ‘be’, by giving them adequate space.
Give our full attention to them.
Sometimes get out of our role as parents and connect with them at the level of ‘being’.
Look at them, listen to them, and hug them.
Avoid comparing them with any other person.
Avoid the tendency to give them more things than they really need.
Avoid being overprotective and interfering in their need to explore the world and try out things for themselves.
Avoid controlling and overbearing tactics.
Stop playing the traditional role of a parent, once the need for all the basic parental functions has passed.
Let go of the need to be needed by them.
Allow them to suffer sometimes. Suffering helps them evolve as better human beings.

Children are the future citizens of our world. We need to ensure that they grow up well adjusted and well equipped to shoulder this onerous responsibility.

Children learn what they live

By - Dorothy Law Nolte
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Your Role as a Parent

Most of us take our role as a parent too seriously. We feel completely responsible for our offspring’s welfare. We feel it is our duty to guide them in all aspects of their lives. After all we are the parents. We know what is best for our children. If we will not guide them, who will? All these arguments are well intentioned and I have no issues with these. But in our desire to do the best for our children, we forget to give them ample doses of love, affection, and understanding. We think that too much love would spoil them. We believe in discipline more than understanding.

In my view, all that we parents ever need to do is to provide generous dollops of love and acceptance. In the absence of a warm and loving atmosphere, no child can ever achieve his/her full potential. Even discipline does not really work in a hostile environment. In my practice as a ‘Life Skills Coach’, I come across individuals with low self esteem, which stems from their childhood. Unless the home atmosphere is warm, caring, safe, protective, and friendly, a child can not be self- confident. And as you well know, self-esteem is the most critical factor in achieving success in life.

When we like ourselves for what we are, we are more likely to work hard and achieve more. Observe your children. Your encouraging, loving words are their biggest motivators. The moment you put them down, their enthusiasm to do anything vanishes in thin air. If your children are not doing well at school, first look at your home environment. Be objective. Ask yourself; are you the cause of their poor self esteem? Most of the times, we unfavourably compare our children to their friends. What do you think it does to their self image? We think that by shaming them, we are motivating them to excel. We couldn’t be more wrong. Apply this rule to yourself. Do you strive to work harder if someone ridicules you? No. You would build up frustration, and anger towards that person. That is exactly what is happening in your home. Pay attention to it and take corrective measures.

My favorite line is a cry from a child, “Mum, love me the most, when I deserve it the least.” This line haunts me. Yes, when we think that our child does not deserve any love because he has been naughty, disobedient, destructive, or a failure; that is when he needs our love the most. Our job at these times is to trust our children and help them discover the talents, abilities, resources, and the personal best that is hidden behind their rough and unappealing exteriors.

We feel let down and disappointed by our children, if they do not tow our line. We label them as ‘difficult’ children. Have you ever wondered if the children feel the same about us as well? Have we ever given unconditional love to our children? Why do we always have to be judgmental at every step? Our parenting years (and our children’s ears!) are full of ‘good boy’, ‘bad boy’, ‘good girl’, and ‘bad girl’ at each step and after each action. Such adjectives confuse children. Their self-worth fluctuates from minute to minute. From praise to disgrace!

Our attention is more focused on the socks left on the floor, unmade beds, badly done homework, bad influence of friends, poor grades, and complaints from the teachers. We do not focus on their good qualities, assets, and strengths, especially when these do not meet with our pre-conceived notions of what is good and what is bad. If we are constantly reminded of our shortcomings, we start believing in them. Our children do the same. By telling them about their strengths, we help them believe in themselves. Their worth increases in their own eyes. They feel capable of making a difference in the world. This empowered attitude leads them to success in whatever field they choose.

So let us get out of our cocooned worlds of expectations and reasoning. Let us pay more attention to playing with our children and understanding them. The time spent together with them is something that we should treasure more than anything else. I believe that our children are our ‘gurus’. There is a lot that we can learn from them. Just observing them is an education by itself.

Are we ready for this new challenge!!!

On the Path

I have been ‘on the path’ (so to say) since my childhood. I remember my mother calling me a ‘lost creature’ who lives in her ‘own world’, and is not aware of what is happening around (the makings of a Sufi?). My father was an atheist, but my mother followed her simple religious rituals. We, as kids, were not asked to follow anything. So we grew up with a rare freedom. (Now I know that I chose such parents and such a home, as an ideal environment for my growth).

While growing up I realized that I loved singing ‘Gurbani’, ‘Shabads’, and ‘Bhajans’ (besides Hindi film songs). I was an avid reader and read all popular books, mainly fiction.

I got married to a person who did not believe in any rituals either. (His family too is very liberal.) However, both of us believed in the concept of a Higher Power. I called it ‘The Nature’. We did nothing about connecting with this power.

I started practicing (and teaching) Yoga, for fitness.

I lived my life like this, very happy and content with my life and my family.

In 1997, I discovered Linda Goodman’s ‘Star Signs’. That was the turning point. One book led to another, and by 1999, I could not read any other kind of books. At present I remain surrounded by books, but they all deal with some or the other aspect of spirituality. Till about 2004, I used to read the complete newspaper. Today I do not even feel like opening it (I only read my own articles in TOI, and sometimes the Speaking Tree, Sacred space, Mind over Matter etc.) Same goes for the magazines. The only magazines I read are Life Positive, Eternal Solutions, Life Times, and White Light etc. All my time is spent in reading and writing. I read many books at a time. Right now I am reading ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle, ‘Tantra Vision: Beyond the barriers of Wisdom’ and ‘Sufis: The people of the Path’ by Osho, ‘The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying’ by Sogyal Rinpoche. I pick up books by intuition. I can not watch television any more. The only information I seek on the Net is something to do with the Path or the Truth.
In 2000, Reiki came into my life along with Meditation.

In 2003, I discovered Sai Baba and understood the phenomenon of ‘cosmic consciousnesses’. What appealed to me was his statement, ‘I am God, and you are also God. The only difference is that I know it, and you don’t’. I am not a typical ‘Baba’ follower, but I see him as ‘pink’ colour in my meditations.

In Dec. 2007, I experienced ‘the flowering of the Soul’ or Enlightenment, during my Past Life Regression Therapist Program.

Today I feel confident enough to proclaim that I am a Light Worker. I am here on the Planet Earth in this time and space, because I chose to be a part of the ‘Shift of the Ages’ that has already started.

I have experienced the ‘oneness’ with the Universe. I look at the World around me as a manifestation of my thoughts, and myself as the Observer. I firmly believe that ‘thoughts are things’. In my meditation I witness them as un-manifested matter.

I feel more loving, peaceful, and abundant. I look at everyone (including myself) as a part of the Whole. I view every thing as an aspect of God. There is nothing else but God.

My relationships have undergone a lot of change. My attachment with my immediate family has decreased. I have loosened control and released my husband and my sons. I have released myself. I feel free. I feel more love for everyone, including animals, trees, plants, minerals, soil, inanimate things etc, without feeling attached in any way. I am more tolerant, even tempered, at peace with the World. I love and appreciate myself whole heartedly. Something I had never done before.

I always wore handloom, so Fab India clothes still remain my favourite.

I am not "obsessed" about my house being spic and span any more. However, I ensure cleanliness and avoid clutter.

I gave up taking allopathic medicine the day I studied Homeopathy. For a time I relied on both Reiki and Homeopathy. Then I started speaking to my cells. Today it is all ‘Consciousness’ healing through meditation, Reiki, Thought therapy, Emotional freedom Technique, and conversing with my cells. I take responsibility for my dis-ease. I don’t look at it as illness any more. I look at it as ‘issues in my tissues’ that need to be resolved. I know that body never ever lies. It heals itself. As a last resort it tries to communicate with me through some symptoms. The moment I assure it that I have taken cognizance of my deviant thoughts, it feels reassured. When I learn my lesson, it comes back to a state of ease.

I also look at the creation (including my body cells) as being ‘Holographic’. A lot of my understanding comes from this concept.

I have not yet been able to answer the question of ‘Right Food’. I feel that each individual must choose their own 'right' food- in partnership with their body......as body never lies!!

I feel very strongly about the damage that we are doing to humanity by our modern ‘Birthing’ process, and the unenlightened way we handle our ‘dying’ process. These are the two areas I feel inclined to work in.

Conscious Parenting

Parenting is the most important role that we play in our lives. However, since most of us are amateur parents, we tend to follow the parenting style of our parents or our friends. Some of us do follow our own parenting instincts, but even these get conditioned by the norms of the society that we live in. In today’s world where both the parents pursue high pressure careers, the challenges of parenting become all the more critical. What should we do under these trying circumstances?

First of all we need to get some things clear in our heads when we become parents.

Our children come through us but they don’t belong to us.
Each child is different because he /she carries different predispositions (samskaras) from his /her past lives.
Being bigger in size, does not make us more important than the child.
The child is our equal in all respects, and deserves to be treated as such.
The belief, ‘I know what is best for you’ is fine when the child is young but not when s/he grows older.
Some things are ‘mistakes’ only from our perspective. Those ‘mistakes’ may be just the right lessons for our child.

With these basic facts ingrained in our psyche, we need to:

Avoid using silly words or childish sounds while speaking with our children.
Avoid talking down to them.
Love them unconditionally, look after their needs, prevent them from getting into dangerous situations, and tell them about some dos and don’ts.
Allow them to just ‘be’, by giving them adequate space.
Give our full attention to them.
Sometimes get out of our role as parents and connect with them at the level of ‘being’.
Look at them, listen to them, and hug them.
Avoid comparing them with any other person.
Avoid the tendency to give them more things than they really need.
Avoid being overprotective and interfering in their need to explore the world and try out things for themselves.
Avoid controlling and overbearing tactics.
Stop playing the traditional role of a parent, once the need for all the basic parental functions has passed.
Let go of the need to be needed by them.
Allow them to suffer sometimes. Suffering helps them evolve as better human beings.

Taare Zameen Par

The other day I watched this great film, 'Taare Zameen Par'. I was fortunate to watch it with my son. At the end of the movie, when he squeezed my hand, I knew that I was forgiven.

Kudos to Aamir Khan for making such a brilliant film. It touched my heart, and a raw nerve. We parents do so much damage to our most loved ones, our children, in guise of doing the best for them. We think we know all. After all we are the parents- the grown ups. And parents know everything. We couldn't be more wrong. We are parents. Our job begins and ends with giving unconditional love and acceptance to our children. No more, no less.